Stress!

It’s been a slow week. I have had nothing to do in the labs. I have been working on two or three projects, but not too much. I’ve mostly been taking things at a steady pace, making sure I do everything right the first time, and doing a lot of emailing during my work day.

All of a sudden, today happened! I got into work and was told immediately that I had made a pretty big mistake with document control and my report had to be re-written. After getting that news and having the mistake explained to me, I got to turn on my computer. When I opened up my Microsoft Outlook, I had eleven emails waiting for me, six of which were urgent, and one of which was from Isaac Meadows, Editor-in-Chief of The Technician, the school newspaper.

The emails were mostly regarding urgent projects and the cleaning groups being generally pissed off at the labs (my group) for not thinking their individual projects are the highest priority and not having their stuff done yet. So now we have to get ALL of their work done for them so we stop getting harassing emails.
Remember when I told you all my grade point for last term? Yeah, I’m thinking resuming my position as Assistant Editor probably sounds like an awful idea. Here’s what I wrote to Isaac (stupidly):

“Hello Isaac,

You know that I am, as always, very interested in the continuing improvement of the student newspaper as a whole. I would love to continue as Assistant Editor, but I have a few worries about filling the position. Last term, my GPA was dismal. I am aiming for a 4.0 next term, which shouldn't be too unreasonable if I can focus properly and always have time to finish my schoolwork. Last term, the Technician had a few long nights associated with it that I'm not sure I would be able to help out with. I will give the Technician all of my extra time, but I don't know if I can make any promises to be at any meetings besides our normal lunch meetings, and even then, I may have common hour exams on occasion.

As far as goals go, I would like to recruit more staff members and keep our current trend of expanding content to fill enough pages. I am trying to work on a few people that could contribute tech articles and/or reviews of new products or comparisons or something of the like. I have also been working on recruiting more students who might like to get into the advertising aspect. If all else fails, Marian and I can do a bit of that, as discussed last term.

I believe my plan at the end of last term was to try to run the micro edition, including gathering content, maintaining relations with the Rec Center and Greek Life to keep their news coming in, and writing any filler articles that are needed at "crunch time." I am really not very comfortable with layout, but I know I can do copy editing on those articles very easily, especially on such small editions. I would like someone who can dedicate themselves to putting the articles together in the proper layout. Besides that, I think I can handle the weekly edition.


Does that sound like a good plan?”


After that email, I immediately got to work on talking to people about writing and advertising. Joe sounds like he could be writing tech reviews and comparison articles for the non-ME crowd. I appreciate that mostly as someone who is really bored of reading about cars. I texted Jeremy to ask if I could pay for use of his Thirsty Thursday posts from his humor blog. At this point, he seems to be looking only for credit, but I’m still working on making sure he gets due compensation.

I have three method validation reports currently open on my desktop and just had to find a signed report that Kim had written. It was hiding in my drawer, but she was very able to tell me where it was when I texted her about it.

Today will be busy with all of my work, then tomorrow, I will be busy with meetings, social events, and real work while I am here. My supervisor is on vacation tomorrow, cider and donuts are being served in the break room in the morning, I have a meeting with my old supervisor to discuss my thesis project at 10, I have to take lunch sometime, Irina’s farewell party is at 2:30, and I am meeting Joe in Kalamazoo for dinner around 6:30.

Ahh! Busy busy busy bee. Hopefully, I will start working on NaNoWriMo stuff this weekend. I am very much looking forward to some relaxing time with another person in my apartment instead of just the cats. It’s also nice to not have to drive all over the state this weekend. I’ll leave that to someone else.

 <3

Knowledge

I want to start college over.  I want to have everything I know now and do it again.  I want to do it the right way this time.

I could do better.

The Truth

I lie.

I lie and it helps me sleep at night. I lie to myself until I believe it enough to face my day with no tears in my eyes. I convince myself to be emotionless. Nothing can break me. Not in public anyway.

The truth is, just because we are young doesn’t mean we are going to get over it.
The truth is that I am not happy.
The truth is that I have two regrets in my life.
The truth is that I have hurt people.
The truth is that music doesn’t help anymore.
The truth is that I fear winter more than anything.
The truth is that I am afraid of myself.
The truth is that I am disgusted by myself and my choices.
The truth is that I could have stopped.
The truth is that I didn’t want to.
The truth is that I am scarred.
The truth is that I cry most days.
The truth is that I know I am not normal.
The truth is that I don’t want to be different.
The truth is that I’m not that good at what I do.
The truth is that I wish I knew how to get away from all of it without hurting anyone else.
The truth is that I drive too fast without my seatbelt when I am tired.
The truth is that I'm not ready.
The truth is that I don't know.
The truth is that I can’t do it.

Jeremy

At least you are mad at me now. I know that is something I had coming to me. All the apologies in the world won't make up for what I did, but I hope you know that I am genuinely sorry and always will be. My constant thought is that I wish I could go back and do anything at all to not hurt you like I did. I would do anything to have talked to you about things or tried harder or just not do what I did.

You were wonderful, and I know we can never be friends again. I wish you the best and hope everything really will turn out fine, as I keep telling myself.

If you ever need to talk to me or want me in your life, I will be waiting as long as it takes, even knowing it would never happen.

Thank you for everything.

The Weekend

I’ve been at work for only three hours, but it already feels like it has been a long day. This may or may not have anything to do with waking up at 4:30 in Rochester to get ready for work and drive 3.5 hours to get here. Actually, I think it’s probably related to that.

So I’m going to share a bit of information that will make me glad my mother doesn’t even know I have a blog, let alone the URL of it. Currently, my GPA for last term is a whopping 0.90. That’s right, kids! At this point, I have UNDER a 1.0 for the term. Mind you, a large chunk of this will be remedied when my four-credit Communications class grade is amended from the current F to what I am guessing will be a B+. My professor seems to have forgotten grading my resume, cover letter, and thank you, and she claims to have never received our 300-pt mini-thesis. Fortunately, I am quite sure I have the resume, cover letter, and thank you (another 300 point total) at home, all with grades in the 90s, despite being turned in a bit late. The mini-thesis is saved on my home computer and an external hard drive, so that will also be no trouble.

In other classes, I gained a D in physical chemistry (have to ask the prof about this one, too. Just wondering what I got on the final more than anything…), a D+ in biochemistry, which I will thankfully never have to face again, a C- in p chem lab, and an INCOMPLETE in biochem lab. That one was actually my fault and I’m working on fixing it. None of these things could spoil my weekend, though.

I just spent an amazing weekend with my boyfriend. My Friday was pretty long and terrible, and my “work” ended with driving for nearly four hours through Lansing and Flint rush hours to get to Rochester to see Joe. When I got there, I was exhausted, sore, and afraid of the fact that my car is literally falling apart. I had nothing left and my soul was feeling quite crushed after contemplating my recent failures throughout a long, silent, and lonely drive. I was frustrated and on the verge of tears for the last segment, just wanting to get to something I could call home. I parked my car, grabbed my necessary items, and dragged myself toward the door from the garage, feigning a smile for his mother along the way. As I approached the door, it was nonchalantly thrown open by Joe and I practically collapsed into his arms, forgetting for a moment that his mother had followed me inside and kissing him in the laundry room.

The rest of the weekend went smoothly, and included me meeting their family friends, enjoying a lot of time sitting in bed in pajamas and watching TV, my first time trying sushi, two movies, and some window shopping. Joe, thank you so much for taking care of me this weekend. Thank you for not letting me run on impulses or forcing myself to do other things. Thank you for understanding me better than anyone else. Thank you for loving me and being there when I need you and letting me lean on you, even when you might feel like you need to rest. I love you.

Also in other news, I have work to do. Unfortunate, but true. Maybe I will update later, as I have committed this evening to sitting at home with my cats and essentially doing nothing. Thanks for reading my pointless ramblings, I suppose.

Autumn Fall

I always hate fall term. It’s strange to be at work for an hour before the sun comes up, and this is still early in the term. Soon, the snow will begin falling. With the lake effect just right here in Allegan, we get some of the most snowfall in the state. My walk to work will soon begin to involve slipping on the ice and falling hard on my rump. What a great time!

Besides the fun of nearly breaking my tailbone every time I traverse the two-block span between my apartment and my job, this is a season of holy days and family gatherings. O Joyous Season, how I loathe thee. With my promised raise, I should be able to afford basic Christmas gifts for everyone and a nice birthday present for my boyfriend. Nice of that raise not to be on my first paycheck… Perhaps this issue will be resolved, or perhaps HR will simply say “hmm, I don’t remember saying you were getting a raise…” How I love the Department of Human Resources. Ever useful, ever helpful.

I am alone this term. I share my apartment with two cats and my guitar, and none of those chip in for the bills. I fear heating my apartment or turning on lights or leaving my power strip plugged in while I am away. Normally, I would have Randel to split the bills and to help with the cats (to which I am becoming increasingly allergic.) He is studying in Germany this term, leaving me alone in a cold apartment, paying full utility costs, budgeting for the holidays, school, travel, and food for the next six months in every spare moment, and trying to remember those less fortunate than I this season. Things would be simpler if I made as much as Randel had made his third term here. Things would be easier if we had the same starting salary or I had received any raise my first year, or any equivalent raises, or the raise I was promised for this term.

Ha. I am like a rapper all the time, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind. I almost wish I could stop. I want to be able to be more selfless like Kate or Kirsten or some of my more liberal friends. But I have seen how that hurt my mother. I can see the debt piling up around her because she never cared about her money. She never budgeted or payed attention to her spending. She would give to charities, then to the charity of herself. She put my brother and me through nine years of Catholic school. We give money to the church, our clothes to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. I haven’t bought groceries yet this term, because I had to borrow the money from my father to pay my rent. I do not spend. I will hold my money as long as I can without buying anything, and then I barely make ends meet. Most of this goes into tuition, some into food, though I manage to avoid that most of school term. Honestly, a good portion go into gifts. Friends and family will get nice presents. Emily will get a piñata full of candy for her birthday. Everyone in my family will get stocking stuffers and a normal gift. Joe will get a surprise, as I know he is reading this. Kate and Tim and their baby will get anything I can afford to get their family started off right. I will work every minute of overtime I can actually find things to do at work.

I have been rambling long enough, I think. Thanks for reading my nonsensical conversation with myself. I guess my New Term Resolution is to Figure Out A Way.

Little Victories

“Hey Christina?”

I jumped, startled at Natalie’s voice calling me. “Yeah?” I responded, turning toward her, where she was standing in her lab coat.

“You haven’t seen Neal, have you?” I breathed a small sigh of relief. She hadn’t noticed that I was wearing my normal glasses instead of my safety glasses. I had just run to the printer to get a set of data I had just printed and opted out of throwing the big, bulky safety glasses on over my prescription lenses, despite knowing there was a lab audit in progress.

The reasons I don't like the glasses that go over the glasses is quite obvious...

I pointed toward his office and started saying something about his computer. Apparently, she had checked back there already. “Not very recently, then. Sorry.” I turned and headed back to my office, winding my way through the lab without being noticed.

It’s all about the little victories.

Also, hello. I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. It's nice to be back.